Remember to love who you really are!

I have always considered myself a humble person. Yes, I know that I am incredibly blessed in my life. I also know that, while far from a genius, I am intelligent, intuitive, creative, grounded, empathic and caring. I have a friend who often tells me what a great friend I am. So why have I, for the entirety of my life, been so very hard on myself for my own perceived inabilities, weaknesses and, wrongs? I have an abundance of compassion for others, and I recognize that not one of us in life is perfect, at least on the human scale.

Having had another birthday a couple weeks ago, I thought it would be a great time to recognize myself for all the good things that make up the very essence of me. Like many of us, achieving another year passed, caused me to reflect on where I am in my life versus where I thought I would (or should?) be. In this process, do we look at who we intrinsically are as viewed by others, or who we perceive ourself to be? Are we comfortable being ourselves at any given moment, or do we allow others to dictate how we should feel about ourselves based on society’s definition of where we should be, or what we should be like, on some widely perceived life chart? 

When I started contemplating this website, I reached out to friends and family to offer testimonials on how they see me and how I could be of utmost assistance to others. I thought this might be the best way to get a more realistic view, since I always knew that I have never been comfortable tooting my own horn, so to speak.

Feeling Vulnerable? It’s okay, and it’s good!

Allowing myself to be vulnerable right now, I’ll admit that since I was a child I’ve struggled with feeling smart enough or attractive enough. Despite that, I’ve done pretty well for myself in life, and I look back at old pictures from my twenties and thirties, and realize that I was fairly attractive. I also always thought everyone else at work would prove so much more intelligent than I was. You would think that over the years I would have learned not to even give such things a second thought, especially given the success I’ve had in my career, but it still happens in certain new situations.

I’m telling you this now because I recognize that I am not alone in having had these feelings. As human beings we need to recognize that someone else’s view or needless teasing of us as a child, or even as an adult, should never define who we are…or how we feel about ourself. Yes, to a certain degree, we’d all like to be ‘model’-good looking, whatever we define that to be, but we have to realize that what we personally find attractive in another human being is very, very subjective. I’m always amazed at the people some of my friends find attractive that while not unattractive, are not equally attractive to me. I’ve found the ‘energy,’ or feeling I get around certain people is much more attractive than looks over time. Who hasn’t had the experience of thinking someone is more attractive the more we know them and their personality? I definitely have.

Do we see ourselves correctly? Or, is our view of ourselves slightly skewed?

When I semi-retired several years ago, it was a turning point for me. For many of us, our identity is often primarily defined by our career. Upon separating from my main position, suddenly I didn’t have the higher-level job anymore. Yes, I still do some consulting, and obviously started this website, but long gone was the person with scores of employees, and significant financial responsibilities. At the height of my business career, I had over 200 people reporting up to me, and had responsibility for revenues of $200 million annually. It’s sometimes difficult to reconcile where I am today compared to my past. At the same time, I have no desire to go back to those days, or the stress of managing a large group of people or budget. I realize I’m not meant to be in a stressful job any more. My new free time, in my view, is the Universe’s way of opening me up to new possibilities in the future, to this website and possibly a book or two in the years ahead.

On the personal side, while I have a great group of friends, I have not been in a relationship for a significant number of years. The morning of my birthday, I dreaded the potential calls from friends that I don’t talk to on a regular basis…especially the ones that always ask ‘So are you seeing anyone?’ I absolutely hate that question! Admittedly, I am the one taking this question too personally, and the resulting thought in my head of ‘What is wrong with me? I must be a total loser.’

What makes me the person I am, and you the person you are, is the totality of our life experiences, both good and bad. My own experiences have allowed me to be the open, compassionate, non-judgmental person I am. I’m able to see myself in others’ actions and recognize that we all are human, that we all live in a dualistic world where imperfection is a fact, and just what the Universe ordered!

So, for the many of us who are our own worst critics (more commonly our ‘own worst enemy,’ which seems a bit excessive, doesn’t it?), it’s time to reflect on all the good things that make us who we are. Let’s come to accept that as human beings we will simply never be perfect—no one is. Or are we? When we incarnate, we become perfectly human, while remaining truly perfect spiritual beings at our very core. The unconditional love that we have from Source Creator is omnipresent. Let’s accept that same love for ourselves.

I know that I’m especially hard on myself. I also know that I am an intelligent, compassionate, respectful, creative, curious, and loving guy with a great sense of humor. I know I am very non-judgmental…to others. Yes, at one point in my life my Guides pointed out to me that while I am non-judgmental to others, I am self–judging!  Okay, I’m working on that. Why is it that I have more compassion for others faults than my own? Intellectually, I know that we all do have our good moments and those not so good. It’s impossible to have any human relationship without challenges. We are all individuals with different filters that often skew how we view things. You can say the same exact words to several individuals and get different reactions from each.

Is there a problem with being too sensitive?

Over the years when I have been accused of being insensitive to someone, or a group of people, I have tended to beat myself up over my actions. In certain situations, I have felt terrible literally for days if I did something ‘wrong.’ At one point in my career, I had one such situation that is still top of mind for me. It happened during a meeting with my marketing staff. We were discussing our customer base, and with a slip of the tongue, I unfortunately misspoke. It was a mistake that had someone simply said don’t you mean ‘abc’ and not ‘xyz,’ I would have agreed and not taken it so badly. Unfortunately my boss at the time, had also attended this meeting, and later called me to task for saying our customer base wasn’t ‘smart.’ Now, what I truly meant was that demographically they were ‘less educated’ and had lower percentages of high school and college educational levels, compared to the population as a whole.

I know in this situation the two things have nothing to do with the other. Someone can be Mensa-smart but not have a higher education. Whenever this type of situation happens in my life, I try to do my own reality check on what I said, and my potential motivations. In the stated example, I never intended to disparage anyone; it was simply an unfortunate choice of words. Many people might have let it go almost immediately, I couldn’t. I took it to heart, like the very, very sensitive person I am. I recognize more clearly today, that any human traits, like my sensitivity, can be both a benefit and a hindrance. It’s the balance that’s important.

Never confuse Self Love with Self-ish Love.

So how do any of us go from being too hard on ourselves to being equally compassionate and self-loving? For me the important thing is recognizing that I am trash-talking myself, for example. I call it that specifically because it is total garbage, in practice and meaning. Awareness is the first step in changing our perceptions. None of us have any reason to doubt that we are exactly who we are for a reason. Own it.

In my case, I try to: Chill. Enjoy the journey. Laugh. Love. Forgive. Remember. Share. Look at instances with curiosity.

Try to always see yourself through another person’s eyes. Cultivate the compassion that you have for others, for yourself. Turn the negative self-talk into a positive acknowledgment of even one thing that makes you great! Remember we are more great than not-so great. I also like to remember that all of us are so much better than the very worst thing we’ve ever done in our life. Don’t let one moment of less-than-stellar performance define you.

I like to remember that spiritually speaking, we simply cannot fail at life. It’s impossible, and goes against the Truth of who you really are.  There simply is no failure in the Universe. There is only the life experience, that great vacation I wrote of previously that we chose to embark on.  Enjoy it.  Love it. Learn from it.

And love every part of you.