Understanding your true level of Compassion.
Most readers of this post will likely consider themselves to be extremely compassionate. You probably see the good points in another’s behavior or personality, while generally accepting an individual’s ‘quirks’, idiosyncrasies, as well as perceived weaknesses or situational faults, because you can see that the individual is an overall good person. Even strangers are given the benefit of the doubt because after all ‘we are all human,’ right?
Well, we likely wouldn’t be totally honest with ourselves if we didn’t admit that even as an extraordinarily compassionate person, we all have those moments when we maybe aren’t so compassionate. No judgment.
Take our self-assessment quiz!
Let’s do a brief self-guided exercise. No grading or reporting is necessary, just a few questions for you to ponder, and answer honestly:
Do you find yourself being impatient with others who simply ‘don’t get it!’?
Do you look for the silver lining in situations?
Do you feel the need to ‘fix’ other people? And how about yourself?
How do you feel when others point out something you did wrong?
Do you think it’s unfair that others benefit from things that you don’t?
How do you feel when someone cuts you off in traffic?
Are you someone who loves doing random acts of kindness?
Do you feel others are better (or worse) than you?
Do you wish the homeless on the streets of your community would just ‘get a job!’?
Do you try to put yourself in the shoes of the other guy?
So how did you do? And, how do you feel?
The way we walk through life, taking in what goes on around us is a very personal experience, colored by numerous factors including our individualized life experiences, as well as our upbringing. Some people observe every minute detail around them, while others do not. Some people we’d likely describe as givers, others takers. Do you have equal empathy for yourself as you do for others?
Personally, I know the answer to question 6 is complicated! Honestly, my first reaction is ‘you idiot!’ That’s the cleaned-up version anyway. Then I revert to remembering those occasional times that I may have cut someone else off unintentionally. I may have been running late for an appointment; it happens to the best of us. Then a slight smile comes across my face as I forgive the driver for the act that many of us have likely done. Okay, I do occasionally hope there is a highway patrol car who catches that driver who is weaving in and out of traffic on the I-5 going 90 mph likely try and beat the rest of us to our intended destinations. I’m human too 😊.
The thing that I take away from answering the questions above for myself is that I am often harder on myself than I am on others. Why is it so hard for so many of us to be equally compassionate to ourselves as to others? We often hear someone is ‘self-critical’ or you may say ‘I’m my own worst enemy!’ Let’s make the decision to end that self-destructive practice right now.
Years ago, I had a friend who didn’t see his own worth. He was a giver with a capitol G, and a great talented guy; he didn’t always see it though. I know this feeling. I also love doing things for others, but for may years I hated when others tried to do something nice for me. Then I realized the great feeling I had when I surprised a friend—or stranger—with a random act of kindness. What right do I have to prevent someone from feeling the same if they want to do something nice for me? And, before you say it, please don’t ever feel obligated to repay one good deed with another. That, in my mind, has a way of negating the original kindness and canceling it out. Let the giver enjoy their pleasure and satisfaction of being the light in your life for this moment, just as much as you do in similar situations.
Catching yourself, and correcting negative self-talk
Next time you catch yourself being self-critical, try to change your point of view. I’ve had a task on my ‘to-do list’ for years now: write a song entitled ‘Through Others Eyes.’ Think about it, have you ever been told by a friend how much they admire you for the positive way you view life? Actually, fill in any compliments your friends have ever told you. Sometimes it’s nice to hear a friend tell us something positive about ourself. But why can’t we see it for ourself? That is the point of my imaginary song. If we could see ourselves as others see us how different would we feel about ourselves? Probably a lot better I’m guessing.
When I speak to people who are emotionally down worrying about a certain situation they are in, maybe a certain thing they said or did, I like to ask them ‘how would you feel if a friend of yours had done the same thing?’ Would you try to reassure them and tell them to let it go? If it needed an apology, okay, make a sincere apology. Now have compassion and forgive yourself, just as you would forgive someone else.
But, how about that adversarial voice in your head that never ceases to remind you what an idiot you are, how uncaring you are, how untalented, how fat, or how any other long list of negative traits?!
I like to call my adversarial voice ‘Bob.’ It has a way of depersonalizing the negative self-talk. Try it! Pick any name for your own. Recognize that voice as the negative thing that it is, and take away its power by isolating it from the person who you really are, a loving, caring person trying to navigate your own life journey, albeit with all the pitfalls that are presented to help us master human life.